New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
