I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
