and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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