i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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