Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
