Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
