All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
