i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
