Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
