I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
