why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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