By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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