i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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