You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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