Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
