I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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