you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize