never play flip cup with pint glasses
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
