When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
