If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
