so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
