You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
