my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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