You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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