I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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