i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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