oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
