Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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