Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
