We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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