Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
