I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
