Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
