if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize