high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
