Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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