I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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