Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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