You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
