So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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