All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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