Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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