I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
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I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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