meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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