Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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