if i died would you start the facebook group?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
