how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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