I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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