Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
