They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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