I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
