I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
