I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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