So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
