me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
