youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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