I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
