I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
