You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am one with the molecules
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today