pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
